Gold General
by Stokrot
Summary: He shouldn't have let it happen. He shouldn't have let anyone get so close to him, especially someone as pure and innocent as Izuru. He should have listened to Shinsou and ended it when he'd still had even a slightest chance…


**Gold General**

The corridor was full of light; the dark was lurking behind the door at its end. For a while Ichimaru Gin just looked ahead before he started towards it. Someone who had a poet's soul could tell that Gin was the bringer of light, but the Third Division's Captain knew it wasn't true. The true light waited there, in the darkness ahead, and Ichimaru Gin was ready to free it before the omnipresent shadows devoured it.

He wasn't able to do more, and it made him feel guilty. It was but a little part of his atonement for harms done to the one who never wavered in his loyalty to him.

"_I cannot let any__one point a sword at my Captain."_

Gin clenched his fists at the very memory of this morning's events.

A scream. A drawn sword. His hand reaching for Shinsou's hilt…

Two blades clashing. None of them had been his own.

He let his smile fade. His life hadn't been in danger even for a moment; Hinamori Momo wouldn't have had a slightest chance in a fight with the Gotei 13 Captain. Still, Gin was grateful that Izuru had stepped in. His intervention had most probably stopped the bloodshed that would have been unavoidable had Ichimaru Gin been made to protect his mission and the "greater good". Gin didn't want to hurt Hinamori, so he was glad that she had been saved. He knew – perhaps better than Izuru himself – that the boy would never do harm to his friend.

_Izuru…_

Gin sighed quietly. There'd been no way to react for him this morning. He couldn't draw attention to himself if he hadn't wanted suspicions, questions and doubts to arise; even if he knew they were going to emerge anyway. The look that Toushirou Hitsugaya from the Tenth Division had sent him back there, on the terrace, had been enough proof. Nevertheless, if Gin had wanted to keep up appearances, he would have to stay aside; he hadn't said a word or even lifted his finger when he had been passed by Hisagi Shuuhei, leading captured Izuru. The boy had kept looking down, yet Gin knew that a mere word would have been enough to bring his young lieutenant some comfort… to raise his spirits… to show him, at least in a veiled way, that Ichimaru Gin had been grateful to him.

And still Gin had stayed silent, feeling that the risk had been too great. That was why he was here now, doing what he was doing. He could do little, pitifully little, but he could do at least that much. Kira Izuru didn't deserve to be locked in a darkness of his cell and his own sense of guilt, especially if he'd been led there by his loyalty to Ichimaru Gin…

Gin bit his lip.

Izuru had always been loyal. Izuru had always been devoted. Izuru had been by his side for so long that it seemed forever — that was how the Third Division's Captain felt from time to time.

And Gin… Gin didn't even notice when he grew attached to him more than he could have ever expected. More than it was reasonable. Actually, it was beginning to pose a danger to them both…

What was more, the boy returned this attachment with all his heart. Gin had been supposedly aware of that, yet he'd always tended to push this thought aside. After all, as he had been trying to convince himself, he'd had everything under control… he'd known when to step back…

He cursed inwardly. _What a fool ya've been, Ichimaru Gin…_

He shook his head. He had realized when it had been already too late… when that scum, Aizen, had brought the boy to the verge of spending a night with Gin. The Third Division's Captain had barely stopped himself that time and he'd reached a decision to at least try to push Izuru away, first and foremost for his Lieutenant's own good. Unfortunately, Gin's attempts to distance himself from Izuru hadn't brought the results he wished for so far.

Izuru couldn't understand, and it was no wonder, why his Captain suddenly started to treat him with such aloofness. Still, he didn't ask about anything, taking full responsibility for this situation, and Gin could do nothing to make him realize his mistake. He could only watch, his heart breaking and his remorse growing every day. He had tarried too long, now he could see it clearly. Even as Izuru gradually came to believe that he was nothing more but a disappointment as a lieutenant, he still remained painfully loyal to Gin, and it didn't seem like anything could change it. Actually, it made the boy feel even worse: Ichimaru Gin knew that Izuru had his suspicions about his Captain's actions, and the older officer was happy because of that in some twisted way, yet even these doubts weren't enough to sever their bond once and for all. Gin wasn't really sure if he should rather despise himself for this or admire and be grateful to Izuru; anyway, it didn't change the fact that his Lieutenant's heart was torn apart. He wanted to be loyal to his commander, but on the other hand he also wished to stay true to Soul Society's rules and ideals. Someone else would most probably lose his faith in such a predicament; Izuru, however, couldn't keep on living without believing in something. Therefore, he clung to the only place where he had ever felt confident: the one by his Captain's side…

Gin sighed bitterly. The Captain who was soon going to ruin Izuru's whole world… and in the name of what?

The mission. The sacrifice for the greater good. The twin pillar that would save Soul Society. Back then, Ichimaru Gin hadn't fully understood the meaning behind these words, still, he had been just a lonely child who had wished for someone's presence by his side at the very least. When he'd grown up and realized more fully what it was everyone expected from him, he had decided, quite naively perhaps, that he was going to avoid forming bonds with anyone. Being lonely amidst others had seemed easier than just being alone. And then…

And then, by a strange twist of fate, he had met Kira Izuru on an autumn morning and Gin simply couldn't stand his ground against the boy's kindness and trust.

He shouldn't have let it happen. He shouldn't have let anyone get so close to him, especially someone as pure and innocent as Izuru; now Gin was more aware of it than any before. He should have listened to Shinsou and ended it when he'd still had even a slightest chance. If he hadn't appointed Izuru as his Lieutenant, if he had just let him stay in the Fourth Division, if he had stayed away from the boy since the very beginning…

He couldn't. The temptation to have somebody close to him, somebody who would be his haven in a life so full of betrayal and lies, had turned out to be stronger than anything else. And so Gin had started to delude himself that it'd been all for Izuru's good. That he'd wanted to protect him. To support him. To help him spread his wings. That he'd wanted to be his light, just as Izuru had become a light for him…

He'd almost come to believe that; still, deep in his heart Gin knew that the truth was quite different.

He wanted Kira Izuru beside him, as long as it was possible. He couldn't just give up on him, he couldn't give up on the warmth and gentleness offered him so selflessly. Just for a moment, he wanted to be under the illusion that he could also lead a normal life…

He had no right to do so. Not if he was doing harm to Izuru, while pretending to care for him…

Gin clenched his fists. How could he be so selfish? After all, he knew what awaited him. He knew that one day he would possibly have to leave Soul Society as a traitor to continue on his task. He was aware that it meant severing all the bonds he'd ever had with that place; so the weaker they would be, the better. And yet, he had first gotten involved with Matsumoto Rangiku and then…

"_Gin__… You are his sun, can't you see that? He would go anywhere with you, if you only let him…"_

He bit his lip. Rangiku was strong and already hardened by his continuous comings and goings. Gin was pretty sure that the Tenth Division's Lieutenant — and his childhood friend — would do quite well once he was gone. Izuru, however, was a completely different case. It didn't seem that the boy was going to consent himself to his Captain's sudden disappearance, and that thought hurt Gin more than anything. Still, he couldn't take Izuru with him, this was one of a few things he was still sure of. He didn't want to drag him into darkness, he wanted to save him from it. That was why he had to leave without an explanation and that was why he was here right now, willing to show the boy how important he was to Gin…

Suddenly, he stopped dead in his tracks. Was it really true? Did he really come here for Izuru's sake? After all, what could the boy gain from being released? Would he be safer that way than he was in the Third Division's detention cell? Wouldn't it be better to keep him away from all that was going to happen? Far away from suspicions of treason he possibly wouldn't be able to avoid if he loyally followed Gin once again.

Was he really willing to help Izuru? Or did he just come here to spend some time with the boy before disappearing from Soul Society?

_Once again ya think only about yerself, Ichimaru Gin…_

He tried to deny that, but his protests weren't convincing in the slightest. A voice in his mind laughed cynically.

_Yer lacking arguments, Gin?_

He hesitated, unsure if he shouldn't go back, when suddenly he heard another voice, this time a real one. Though it wasn't loud, Gin could hear it clearly: a hoarse, choked whisper bordering on a sob. A voice of someone who didn't have any strength left to scream and cry.

'I… I pointed my sword at Hinamori-san… How can this be… I'm despicable… Despicable…'

Gin froze. A small part of him, the one that always feared to face someone suffering, urged him to escape. Still, the Third Division's captain managed to regain his composure. He had no right to retreat now, not after he'd been a coward in so many other matters.

He listened intently for another moment. What he heard was a wheezy, shaky breath and more accusations spoken in a voice gradually swelling to a cry.

Ichimaru Gin felt his nails biting into his palms and then he made his decision. Putting Gin's own reasons aside, Kira Izuru had done nothing to deserve such fate. Truth to tell, he hadn't even done anything wrong: after all, how could he be blamed for standing in his Captain's defense? And yet, even though the circumstances were favorable to him, the boy had been put in detention like a common criminal, and, judging from what Gin had just heard, he felt like one.

Was that how Soul Society's justice was supposed to look like? Was that the greater good Ichimaru Gin was to fight for?

After his dead soul. Right now he was ready to free Izuru simply out of spite.

With new-found resolution Gin covered the last length of the corridor and pushed the wooden door, separating the detention cells from the rest of Third Division's quarters. It opened with a quiet creak.

'Who… Who's there?'

A desperate, frightened cry. Gin felt a lump in his throat, but even now he couldn't show his true feelings. He kept going forward, a foxy smile glued to his lips and the light from the corridor surrounding him.

How did Izuru see him right now?

_Izuru… _

Gin noticed him, and only the years of deceiving Aizen let him keep an impenetrable look on his face. He could hardly believe that the form huddled in the cell's corner and watching him with wide, blue eyes was indeed Kira Izuru, the same one who had so resolutely defended Gin this morning.

Ichimaru Gin gulped. What happened here? What had to happen to turn a Gotei 13 lieutenant, brave, talented and loyal, into a human wreck?

And that… straitjacket. A patch of white that contrasted vividly with the black shihakusho and the cell's bleak walls, that screamed for attention, making Gin's burden of guilt even heavier.

_What did you try to do, Izuru…?_

Gin wasn't sure if he really wanted to know. A broken chair, lying on the cell's floor, suggested violent and unpleasant things. A shiver ran down Gin's spine.

'My, my… It's horrible,' he said, in a seemingly light tone that deprived his words of their true meaning, even though they were sincere. 'So very horrible indeed…'

Their eyes met and Gin barely fought off the urge to step back, feeling this troubled, desperate and frightened gaze on him.

'C-captain Ichimaru…'

There was too much hope in this voice, even if it was mingled with fear and uncertainty. Gin ordered himself to smile, his heart breaking. He had to act though it was getting more and more difficult. He had to… for how long yet?

Gin came closer, stopping by the cell's door. His figure cast a long shadow on the wall.

'Poor thing… Yer all worn out…'

His words sounded too affectionate to be considered as something said out of concern, and yet they were still true. Gin had never seen Izuru looking so fragile, helpless and lost, and what couldn't be seen he could sense in the boy's reiatsu. Izuru was utterly exhausted and tense as a string. It seemed that help came just in time, if Gin could consider his appearance "help".

He realized that the dark blue eyes widened even more. Izuru was watching him like a small animal cornered by a predator and he clearly didn't know what to expect. Gin didn't mean to torment him any longer… after all, he came here for a purpose.

'Want me to save ya, Izuru?' he asked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. A stranger could see that question as teasing and cruel, especially considering the circumstances. For Gin it was more important than it seemed as it gave Izuru the chance to refuse. And, of course, Gin would respect his decision…

_Who__ are ya trying to deceive, Gin? Ya really think that he would be able to refuse you at such a time…? All ya care is to have a clear conscience…_

A clear conscience… Could he really hope for something like that?

He focused on the boy. On his face fear and disbelief fought with the need to trust someone, to find a safe haven in the sea of chaos.

_Don't look at me like that, Izuru. There's nothing __permanent in me…_

'Come with me, Izuru,' he said aloud, finding a key in his kosode's sleeve. The lock grated a little, and after a moment the cell's door was wide open.

Kira Izuru didn't move a muscle. Somehow Gin expected this; he felt that the boy wouldn't dare to leave the cell without his Captain's encouragement, even if nothing stood in the way anymore. Gin came inside.

'Izuru,' he repeated, stopping before his lieutenant. Upon hearing his words, Izuru at first just stared at him, dazed, and then he stood up clumsily, looking away. Gin's gaze once again rested on the straitjacket that Izuru's arms were bound in, and his usual smile disappeared.

_What did ya do to deserve that, Izuru…?_

Suddenly, he felt anger welling up inside him; the anger towards Head-Commander Yamamoto, Soul Society's laws and, for reasons that Gin couldn't quite explain, towards Hitsugaya Toushirou from the Tenth Division. Towards everyone, including himself, but except Kira Izuru. To blame the boy for anything that had happened would be hypocrisy in its purest form.

He extended his hand and began to unfasten the buckles. It was because of him that Izuru had ended up here. It was him whom the boy had defended, though it was Gin who had always promised to himself to protect him. Could he do any more than just make empty promises? Was he only able of such seemingly important gestures as this one?

Gin tugged at the straitjacket's straps. He was but a cause of Izuru's suffering as of late, and soon he was to hurt him more deeply and painfully than ever before. Where, in all that, was the place for his old, proud decisions? For all his bold declarations? Was he a mere pawn under the illusion that he could save the gold general? Had he lived in delusion for all these years, even without Aizen Sousuke's "help"?

The last buckle clinked softly, and Gin firmly pulled the fabric off his lieutenant's shoulders, throwing it to the floor. Izuru's arms dropped limply to his sides, and the boy stood before him hunched, his head hung low, gaze dropped to the cell's floor. Gin almost cursed, sensing his reiatsu, still quivering in panic, still full of self-contempt and self-hate. How could it come to this? Why the one who received the punishment was also the one who deserved it the least, while the real culprits…

Gin suddenly remembered Aizen Sousuke's body, crucified upon the wall, and for a moment he regretted that Hinamori Momo's accusations hadn't been true. If he only could, Gin would kill him without a moment's hesitation, this one and only time feeling happy about taking somebody's life…

He sighed inwardly. He didn't come here to think of Aizen. He came to…

He looked at Izuru, still standing in front of him without a single word, emanating with the sense of guilt.

_Ya haven't even thanked him, Gin…_

He opened his mouth just to close it again. Izuru's loyalty deserved much more than a simple "thank you", and Gin couldn't find any other words right now. He realized that he would like to hug the boy, to hold him close and to ease his pain at least a little… to calm down his conscience, so worn out and so full of doubt, to comfort him… And then… maybe then he would find the courage to apologize: for everything he'd already done and for what he still was to do. He felt right now he would be able to do it…

…and, ironically, he couldn't. He couldn't open his heart to Izuru and honestly tell the boy what bothered him, if he still cared for the success of his mission.

He painfully clenched his fists. _The mission… He and the great matters of the great of this world… Ya've been right, Shinsou… Ya've been damn right…_

Gin looked once again at his Lieutenant, who was still in the same pose, still looking anguished, and once again he cursed himself. Again. He wasn't able to do anything truly important for him yet again…

He bit his lip. Would he ever have a chance to atone for his sins? Was it possible at all? How could he compensate for all he'd already done… and for what was to come? How could something like that be forgiven?

He dismissed that thought, shaking his head. No time for that. If this whole escapade was to retain at least a bit of sense, then they shouldn't stay here all night. They had to go…

Gin turned around, heading for the cell's door.

_Don't follow me, Izuru. __I'm a spy and a murderer. I'm an egoist and a coward. I don't deserve your gratitude. I don't deserve your trust. I don't deserve your…_

'Come with me, Izuru.'

He felt like a perfect scoundrel.


End file.
